Having choice and control over decisions that affect your life

by Rich Kessler
This month’s topic is “Having choice and control over decisions that affect your life”. And do it with compassion for those you care about, too.

Some might say we always have choices, although the choices might not always work out the way we choose or be for the best. As for control, we probably have more than we imagine, but less than we wish.

As we grow older our bodies slow down and age, sometimes our thinking slows down, too. And yet most of us want to stay as independent as possible, for as long as possible. We want choices. We want control over things that affect us. We don’t want others to make choices for us without our permission.  

Aging with Gusto doesn’t mean doing, doing, doing. It has more to do with whatever you do, do it with your whole heart, with full intention, and with joy. But sometimes, worries get in the way. Those worries and fears are lurking around and drain us, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Many of us have worries and fears about growing older. How comfortable are you thinking about “The End” – your own mortality?

The question is, how do you help give yourself the time and energy to do things you enjoy. My answer is to take care of what’s on your mind that may be draining your energy and time, your gusto! What are you worrying about?

If you’re like most of us, your demise isn’t tops on your list of things to think about. I believe we must come to terms with our own mortality. Paradoxically, when we do that, we can more fully enjoy living. We develop a sense of gratefulness and understanding, the preciousness of life. We can be more present in the way we’re living. And age with more gusto.

Once we decide we want to have more choice and control over decisions that affect our lives, and actually make those decisions, we can reduce much of the fear and energy that goes into worrying about death. We can devote more energy into living in the present moment.

And as for Death, as Ram Das (American spiritual teacher and psychologist) once said, “Death is absolutely safe. Nobody fails at it.”

For many people, they often worry over things that we can actually take care of, that we have control over. To help reduce some fears of death, and have more energy to live in the present, I suggest taking care of these important issues that often cause worry and dread.  It’s also a gift to your survivors:

• Make out your will (for your property)
• Draw up an Advanced directive or a Living Will (for how you wished to be treated, medically)
• Ask someone to be your Power of attorney (who is the person who will represent your wishes)
• And take care of your funeral arrangements and desires – the pertinent information (method and location)

This is just a large part of your life that you can choose to take control over and make choices that truly impact your final days. And, you don’t have to do it in isolation. Work on these tasks with a spouse or partner, relative, or trusted friend.  They can help hold you accountable and may be part of the solutions.

I’ve done this for myself:

1) My will states how I would like my personal property to be distributed – what goes to family members, what goes to my friends, what I want to donate to charities.

2) For a Living Will I used the 5 Wishes. There’s also advanced directives from the State of Minnesota. These documents explain how I wish to be treated when I cannot speak for myself. https://agingwithdignity.org/programs/five-wishes/ and https://mn.gov/board-on-aging/connect-to-services/legal/advanced-care-planning/advance-directives/

3) As for my Power of Attorney it says who I give this authority to when I can’t make decisions for myself. I’ve discussed this with trusted family and friends and two people have agreed to do this for me. https://arcminnesota.org/resource/arc-guide-to-power-of-attorney/

4) How I want my body treated when I die, and where I want to be buried. Today there are many more choices than just a typical funeral and cremation. My wife and I have chosen to be buried in a cemetery, picked out the plots, and what will be on the tombstones. We’ve paid for this, too. I even go visit my spot in the cemetery and just sit comfortably taking it all in. I’m a little weird.

There are some other issues you can take care of, too. You can write your own obituary, or something you’d like to say to people at your funeral or memorial event. Actually, someone who would read your words.

There’s an Ethical Will that gives you an opportunity to share your wisdom, memories, innermost feelings, blessings, and ideas to family members or friends. The goal of writing an ethical will is to link a person to both their family and cultural history, clarify their ethical and spiritual values, and communicate a legacy to future generations. Check out Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper by Barry Baines (local MD)  

So, let’s make some decisions that allow us to have more choice and control over things that affect our lives. Yours might not be the same as mine, but the important thing is to make decisions and follow through. Don’t let them hang over your head and reduce the energy you need to live in the present. And, in the case I’ve outlined, do a good deed for yourself and those you’ll leave behind.

As I grow older, I think of this excerpt from a poem…

From: And Still I Rise poems by Maya Angelou

Thank you lord, I want to thank you lord, for life and all that’s in it.
Thank you for the day and for the hour and for the minute.
I know many are gone, I’m still living on.
I want to thank you lord